Thank You, Arthur Wellesley, for Being Fashion Forward.

If it weren’t for the first Duke of Wellington, we would have wet feet.

Thank you, your dukedness, for Wellies.

In writing this post, I learned that in South Africa, they actually do a gumboot dance- check it out here. And now, possibly my favorite part of the Beatles Love show makes sense.

If you have not seen this show, fly to Vegas right this second.

GET UP!! DO NOT READ THE REST OF THIS POST, AND GO TO VEGAS.

If the world ended tomorrow, you would regret not seeing this, and I would regret not seeing it twice. Stupendous.

I have been searching for gumboots for a while now. Houston weather is very unpredictable and can leave me sunbathing in the morning* and trudging through a flooded parking lot in heels in the afternoon. However, my rain boot search has left me empty-handed thus far.

Target has a plethora of galoshes:

The bird ones are pretty cute, right? I liked them a lot- I liked the gray, I liked the retro design, I liked the cute bird, and so I ordered them. What’s not cute about them?

1. They stink to high heaven like hot rubber and burnt hair

2. They are WAY too big for my chicken feet/legs (words of wisdom- don’t Google chicken feet. You’ll regret it) and when I went to return them online, it turns out they don’t have them in my size. Perfect

3. That cute little pink bird is actually sitting on a pistol. What the crap?!

So, I have to return my boots and I am on a mission for new ones because I refuse to continue walking into work looking like I walked through the Red Sea before Moses parted it.

Side note: I will not be choosing to wear these instead**…

Rain, shine, dust storm…I would rather be barefoot. Seriously, ladies of the Lone Star State, these are the opposite of hot***. I did a totally legit survey and here is what I found:

me: Are Uggs hot?

Devin: in Alaska

me: explain?

Devin: you need boots with fur in snow. Alaska has snow. Thus the boots fit the purpose and are eligible to be considered in category of "hot"

me: ok so if we lived in Alaska, and I wore Uggs, you would want me?

Devin: Uggs would not increase your hotness factor.

Still doubtful and thinking that my husband doesn’t count? More data for you:

Me: How do you feel about Uggs?

Brett: Uggly.

Me: Sweet.

Brett: Well the root of my issue with them is that we are not Eskimos....if we were....maybe it would be passable....this is south east Texas. We live in the flip flop region.

me: So if you lived in Alaska, and the Mrs. wore Uggs, you'd think that was hot?

Brett: I would make fun of them for being uggly

There it is- male proof. Proof that no one likes these boots. Why are you wearing mountain man boots with a BCBG dress? Why is that?! Why are you walking into Starbucks with your flannel pajama pants tucked into your uggs?! I think that it may be possible that if you are one of those girls who is all, “I can’t ever find a man”, or “Guys never like me”, you make want to check your closet, because odds are it’s the Uggs. Just sayin’.

My hunt for wellies didn’t have to last long, thanks to the ever-present wisdom of Ms. Allison Brooks.

Oh that I were the drop of rain

that landed on this boot.

Please…please…PLEASE YOU EXTREMELY HANDSOME SANTA!

Bring me these gumboots or I will surely die of pneumonia/H1N1 from cold, wet feet.

* I probably don’t ever sunbathe in the morning, however, I have not had coffee, and that is all I had.

** girls wear these in the rain like a bunch of dummies, hence, the relevance of the Ugg tangent.

*** do not be offended- this is only my opinion. and part of the male population.